ASK, LISTEN AND SUPPORT

A psychological perspective on how to be there for someone when they are not going through
their best moment.

With the help of psychologist Elena Calleja, we learn how to ask, listen, and support with this guide created by her.

ASKING GENUINELY

Asking is not interrogating. Asking a question, listening to the answer, and leaving space is usually much more useful than firing off ten questions in a row.

We can also ask what the other person needs: “Do you want me to listen, or would you prefer that we think together about what you can do?”

And if they tell us “I’m fine,” we can respect that. Perhaps it isn’t the right moment, perhaps they don’t want to talk to us, or perhaps they need us to ask again in a few days.

Sometimes a good question doesn’t open a conversation immediately. It simply leaves a door open.

TRULY LISTENING

Listening seems easy until someone starts telling us about something that worries us.
Then our brain shows up with a collection of unsolicited solutions.

The intention is usually good. But listening and solving are not the same, since listening involves trying to understand before trying to fix.

When we listen:
• We let them finish.
• We don't judge.
• We don't compare.
• We don't downplay.
• We don't automatically turn the conversation into a story about ourselves.
• We can handle the silences.

And something important: validating does not mean agreeing with everything. We may not share someone's interpretation of a situation and, even so, acknowledge that what they are feeling is real.

WHAT DO I SAY IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY?

I have some good news from the therapy office: not knowing what to say is not a problem.
We don't have to suddenly become psychologists, therapists, gurus, or Zen masters.

We can simply say:
• “I don't really know what to say, but I'm here.”
• “I don't have a solution for this, but I can listen to you.”
• “I don't know exactly how you feel, but I want to understand.”
• “Thank you for telling me.”
• “You don't have to solve everything today.”

Presence is also a form of support. Sometimes we can sit together, go for a walk, have a coffee, or send a message. Not everything that helps has to sound profound

PHRASES WE SAY WITH GOOD INTENTIONS… AND DON'T ALWAYS HELP

When we see someone suffering, we want them to stop. It is human. The problem is that, sometimes, we try to make the emotion disappear instead of sitting with it.

Sometimes we say: "Cheer up." We could also say: "What do you need right now?".

 Sometimes we say: "Don't think about it." We could also say: "If you want, you can tell me what's worrying you."

 Sometimes we say: "Everything passes." We could also say: "Right now it might be difficult. You don't have to go through it alone."

Sometimes we say: "You have to be strong." We could also say: "You don't have to handle everything on your own."

 Sometimes we say: "I'm sure you'll see it differently tomorrow." We could also say: "Today, we can focus on this moment." 

And a question that can be very useful for ourselves:
Am I trying to understand this person or am I trying to make them stop feeling bad because it’s hard for me to see them like this? This distinction significantly changes how we support others.

SUPPORTING WITHOUT INTRUDING

Not everyone needs the same thing when they are struggling. Some people need to talk for hours. Others prefer to go for a walk. Others want to be alone. And others say they want to be alone while, in reality, they are very grateful if someone writes to them the next day.

That is why we can ask:
“What do you need from me right now?”
And offer options:
• “Do you want to talk?”
• “Would you prefer we go for a walk?”
• “Do you want me to just be with you?”
• “Is there anything specific I can help you with?”

If they tell us “I don't want to talk right now,” we can respect that without disappearing. Giving space can also be a way of being there.

ACCOMPANYING IS NOT SAVING

This is one of the things I like to remember most when we talk about caring for other people.

We can accompany. But we cannot live someone else’s emotional process for them. We can listen, be available, help, encourage seeking professional help, and accompany them on that journey. But we cannot become responsible for someone else’s well-being.
And this also applies to the people we love very much. 

Loving someone does not mean having to know how to solve what they are going through. Sometimes the most responsible help is to acknowledge:
“I love you and I care about you, but I think you need help that I cannot give you on my own.” That is also caring, and it helps and comforts more than you can imagine

WHEN MIGHT IT BE IMPORTANT TO SEEK
PROFESSIONAL HELP?

Not every difficult moment requires therapy. There are stages of sadness, worry, grief, stress, or
uncertainty that are part of life, but there are times when distress starts to take up too much space.

It may be advisable to consult a professional when:

• It significantly interferes with daily life.
• It affects work, studies, or relationships.
• The person begins to isolate themselves more and more.
• There are significant changes in sleep or eating habits.
• They stop enjoying things they used to enjoy.
• Anxiety or worry becomes difficult to manage.
• A feeling of hopelessness or being unable to cope appears.

There is no need to diagnose anyone from a coffee table or tell them: “What you have is anxiety.” We can simply observe, show concern, and offer a possibility:
“You’ve been having a hard time for a while. Perhaps talking to a professional could help you. If you want, I can accompany you in taking that step.” You don’t have to hit rock bottom to ask for help

AND WE NEED BOUNDARIES TOO

Supporting someone who is going through a hard time can be exhausting. We may love a person very much and, even so, not have the capacity to be available at any hour or to solve every problem.

We can say:
“I can't talk for hours right now, but I want to find a time to be with you.”
Or: “I don’t know how to help you with this on my own. I think we need to ask for more help.”

Taking care of someone shouldn't mean losing ourselves along the way. Setting boundaries is not caring any less.

A LITTLE KIT FOR SUPPORT

5 QUESTIONS:
• “How are you, really?”
• “What is worrying you the most right now?”
• “Do you want to talk about it?”
• “What do you need from me?”
• “Would you like us to talk about this again another day?”

5 PHRASES:
• “I am here.”
• “Thank you for telling me.”
• “It makes sense that this is affecting you.”
• “You don’t have to solve everything today.”
• “I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I want to understand.”

5 GESTURES:
• Texting to ask how they are.
• Proposing a walk.
Asking, listening, and supporting · Elena Calleja, psychologist
• Bringing them something to eat.
• Helping with a specific task.
• Checking in again a few days later.

Because supporting doesn’t always mean having a transcendental conversation. Sometimes it simply means showing up and not disappearing.

And remember, when we don’t know what to say:
“I don’t know exactly what to say, but I am here.”
It may not be the most sophisticated phrase in the world. But often, it’s not necessary either. Because in the end, supporting isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about the other person not feeling like they have to go through it all alone